The Indignities of Parenthood: A Tale in Five Acts

ACT I, Scene 1

SETTING: A crowded bus stop, immediately outside of William’s school.

WILLIAM

Mommy?  I’m having a problem.  It’s itching.  My TESTICLES.  THEY ARE ITCHING.” (I melt into the ground with embarrassment.  EXTRAS make grand gestures to avoid any eye contact.)

"Heat-related itching is an entirely serious matter and should not be joked about, mother."

“Heat-related itching is an entirely serious matter and should not be joked about, Mother.”

ACT II, Scene 1

SETTING: A crowded bathtub [NOTE: Two is always a crowd when it comes to bathtubs] on a Monday night.

ME

“POPPY!  NO! Stop it RIGHT now!  Do NOT put pennies in your bunja [YES, that is what we call it around here; Poppy came up with it]! THAT IS NOT FUNNY.” (I take a large slug of wine. POPPY and WILLIAM laugh maniacally and look for more loose change.)

This is exactly why that stick stayed in that field and didn't make it home with us.

This is exactly why that stick stayed in that field and didn’t make it home with us.

ACT III, Scene 1

SETTING: A crowded dinner table covered in uneaten plates of chicken and broccoli.  LUCY the dog is whining.  POPPY is screaming.

WILLIAM

“Mommy.  Mommy?  Mommy!!  Remember when I was waiting for you when Poppy throwed up in your hands and I was standing with Sascha and his dad? Did you know Sascha is short for Sashavie? [NOTE: I doubt this] Sascha and his dad said that they call New York…

(WILLIAM looks around as if about to sell someone drugs, and then whispers dramatically)

New York City!!! 

(WILLIAM resumes loud yell-talking)

And I told them about how I was born.

ME

(I put down my iPhone and stare at WILLIAM with a frightened, yet unflinching gaze)

What did you tell them?

WILLIAM

I told them how I got stuck in your bachina and then the doctors had to cut you open and pull me out and I was blue and then I was OK.

It was kind of like how you can sometimes get your hand stuck in a Pringles jar when you're trying to reach the ones on the bottom.  Except William was the Pringle, and there was no lid.  I don't know, it's not a perfect analogy.

It was kind of like how you can sometimes get your hand stuck in a Pringles can when you’re trying to reach the ones on the bottom. Except there was only one Pringle in there (William), which was at the top, and there was no lid. I don’t know, it’s not a perfect analogy.

ACT IV, Scene 1

SETTING: The kitchen table. An elaborate fake tea party has been set up by POPPY.

POPPY

Muhma, smell this!  This is bootful!

(POPPY holds up a small plastic tea cup of water)

ME

(I sniff tea cup deeply as if it were the sweetest elixir in all the land) Ooooooh!  Is this honey water, the nectar of the gods?!

POPPY

(POPPY looks sadly at ME and gently takes the tea cup while shaking her head).

No, mummy.  No.  It is just woh-tuh.  It’s just woh-tuh.

Poppy simply cannot humor any sort of costume/pretend-related foolishness.  Ain't nobody got time for that.

Poppy simply cannot humor any sort of costume/pretend-related foolishness. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

ACT V, Scene 1

SETTING: 2 AM.  A pitch-black bathroom littered with children’s things.

ME

(I skip turning on the light and head straight for the toilet)

AGHGHGHGH!!!!

(I scream as I sit on a tiny, pink potty training seat that had been left on the toilet.  I consider getting up to remove it, but I’m just too exhausted from life.  I continue about my business on the tiny, sad little toilet seat, feeling like a defeated giant with a huge behind.)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s