Mastering Christmas

It’s extremely important to me that my children grow up in a home where holidays are celebrated, traditions are built AND maintained, and their heads are filled with visions of dancing sugar plums and jolly old elves.  That is why, yesterday, I frantically started trying to pretend like it’s Christmas up in hurre, a mere 6 weeks after I first thought about taking some Christmasy steps and less than a week before we leave for Seattle.  A brief primer on my expert holiday homemaking:

Christmas Cards

I always ALWAYS have the best intentions with Christmas cards and always ALWAYS end up sending them out a day or two before  Christmas with some silly note included like, “Sorry you’re getting this in February!  Haha, fuck me!” (obviously edited based on the audience –  Great Aunt Rose gets no cursing; cards sent to my college friends are routinely addressed to “Mr. & Mrs. Snatch Face”).

But not this year!  Even when the Santa pic didn’t wind up as card material, I soldiered on and had my cards designed and in my hands by Dec 9.

It might be the Toddlers 'N Tiaras situation Poppy has going on, but I didn't feel like this really captured our Xmas spirit.

It might be the Toddlers ‘N Tiaras situation Poppy has going on, or perhaps that Santa looks like he just sat on something unexpected but doesn’t *really* mind, but I didn’t feel like this really captured our Xmas spirit.

One would think those cards would be well on the way to all of our friends and family.  One would be wrong, because apparently the British postal system is as complicated as humanly possible.  After racking up charges for the weight and shape of my completely standard sized greeting cards, it came to 4 pounds per card.  Sorry Charlie; no Christmas cards for you!  But next year, get ready for some super small skinny cards.

Elf on the Shelf

For the first night of the Elf on a Shelf season, we came home from watching the SEC Championship game and I decided to make it look like the elf wrote on the mirror with shaving cream.  My husband tried to warn me that it would slide by the morning, but simple physics had nothin’ on my beer-induced conviction that this was the “funniest elf thing ever!!!” and “look how good of a mom I am!!” Turns out he was right (and that my grammar is atrocious when I’ve had more than one beer).

The next morning, it looked like sad drawings of camels plus a few pils that had fallen to the counter.  That stupid, stupid elf.

The next morning, it looked like sad drawings of camels plus a few piles that had fallen to the counter. What a stupid, stupid elf.

But since our kids can’t fully read yet, they were charmed.  Now each morning, I wake up to William gleefully screaming “where is that naughty Elf on a shelf today?!”

Each morning I respond “Hahah, I don’t know!  GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH.”  And then I run to whatever room we threw the elf in the previous night and quickly throw him on another shelf, vowing that I will remember to do it the night before going forward.  Can you guess how that has gone?

TREE

Did you know that, when you buy an artificial tree, you have to INDIVIDUALLY bend and shape EACH branch?  It’s true.

Did you also know that, if you don’t have enough ornaments, you can just use old Mardi Gras beads and your kids will seriously have absolutely no idea that that’s not really a thing?

I know, I know; I'm pretty good at decorating trees.  But don't even try to put this bad boy up on Pinterest and act like you did it yourself or I will totes defriend you.

I know, I know; I’m pretty good at decorating trees. But don’t even try to put this bad boy up on Pinterest and act like you did it yourself or I will totes defriend you.

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