Sham of a SAHM

Oh, the plans I had for myself when I found out that I would essentially be a stay-at-home mom for at least the first few months of our time here! I was going to be Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, Donna Reed and Melissa Gorga, all wrapped into one. Instead I’m more like a weird combo of Betty Draper, Martha Stewart during her prison stint, Donna Martin that one season when she was a total loser and, well, Melissa Gorga (because, let’s be honest, b*tch be crazy). The ways in which I am falling short are many…


“Sometimes…we don’t want to feel like a postmodern, postfeminist, overstretched woman but, rather, a domestic goddess, trailing nutmeggy fumes of baking pie in our languorous wake.” ~ Nigella Lawson

MY VISION: I would cook amazing meals for breakfast and dinner, and prepare delicious snacks for the children to come home to.

MY REALITY: I don’t think Poppy has consumed anything except raisins since we got here. I tried to make cheese and spinach flautas for dinner tonight and William literally gagged when he took a bite.

Ice cream, which has calcium, protein and (occasionally) fruit, might as well be a super food.

Ice cream, which has calcium, protein and (occasionally) fruit, might as well be a super food. That’s why they each got two scoops.

“A home should be a distillation of your interests, of who you really are. If you’re happy with your life, your space will reflect that.”—Designer Rafael de Cárdenas

MY VISION: I would spend my spare time poring over old issues of Domino that I’ve hoarded, new issues of Elle Decor that I’ve picked up and Pinterest boards that I’ve carefully searched to create a beautifully appointed home that would serve as a soothing respite for all of us from the stress of moving to a new country.

MY REALITY:

The full extent of my decorating thus far: two hurricane jars, a pitcher of flowers and (you guessed it!) the stack of Domino mags I've been carting around since 2007.

The full extent of my decorating thus far: two hurricane jars, a pitcher of flowers and (you guessed it!) the stack of Domino mags I’ve been carting around since 2007.

Good order is the foundation of all things. – Edmund Burke

MY VISION: Our home would be sparkling clean and organized, with everything in its correct location at all times.

MY REALITY: Poppy had to wear a dirty sweatshirt to picture day because I didn’t do the right pile of laundry.

She was really pushing for this ensemble, which actually looks a lot better than the spaghetti-stained situation she ended up in.

She was really pushing for this ensemble, which actually looks a lot better than the spaghetti-stained situation she ended up in.

Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege, than the raising of the next generation.
— C. Everet Koop, M.D.

MY VISION: I would finally have the opportunity to be an involved parent, providing all of the emotional, spiritual and physical support that my children need.

MY REALITY: I was late picking up the kids from school last week because I wanted to see how “The One After Joey & Rachel Kiss” ends.

At least I've never been asked for the family safe word by the school administration before they'd release the children to me.  Totally the last time Shane wears his "Kids 4 Cash" t-shirt to pick up.

At least I’ve never been asked for the family safe word by the school administration before they’d release the children to me, like someone I know. Totally the last time he took a windowless white van to pick up.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. – William Makepeace Thackeray

MY VISION: The children would relish this extra time with me, and would feel a renewed sense of security having their mother serve as their primary caregiver.

MY REALITY: When I asked Will to describe me in one word he said “Mean and bad.” When asked to elaborate, he said “You yell and you’re mean and you talk in a mean voice.”

If I'm so mean, then why didn't I ding him for giving a two word answer when the question CLEARLY called for one?

If I’m so mean, then why didn’t I ding him for giving a two word answer when the question CLEARLY called for one?

For a man wins nothing better than a good wife, and then again nothing deadlier than a bad one. – Hesiod

MY VISION: I would bother Shane for NOTHING. I would take care of all matters related to house and home, so that he could focus on providing for our family.

MY REALITY: I call him more than I did before, to report things like, “I just put together that wardrobe we ordered? And I followed the instructions? And when I tried to turn it upright? IT FUCKING COLLAPSED ON ME AND NOW I’M CRYING ON THE COUCH.”

At least I'm doing a good job of adapting the skinny face pose to pictures with kids.

I mean, could I look any more exhausted? And this was in August. I’d post a more recent photo, but Blanche Deveraux may call and ask for her face back.

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