Sham of a SAHM

Oh, the plans I had for myself when I found out that I would essentially be a stay-at-home mom for at least the first few months of our time here! I was going to be Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, Donna Reed and Melissa Gorga, all wrapped into one. Instead I’m more like a weird combo of Betty Draper, Martha Stewart during her prison stint, Donna Martin that one season when she was a total loser and, well, Melissa Gorga (because, let’s be honest, b*tch be crazy). The ways in which I am falling short are many…

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So Mature, This One

THE SCENE: Waiting in line at Marks & Spencer, basically the Citarella of London, except a *touch* less high-end.  I’m trying to figure out the self-checkout machine (which, incidentally, is just as infuriating as those in the US).  Poppy is strapped in her stroller, eating 5 million cookies directly out of the box with a runny nose.  William is bouncing around the crowded area, alternating between jumping on one foot and poking his sister in the face (excuse me, “HUGGING” his sister), with his tie hanging off.
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TITBC: Sticker Charts

In going through all of our pictures, I realized that I have very few where Poppy does NOT have a pacifier in her mouth – and the ones that don’t feature the pacifier just show her crying because she wants to put it back in.

Is she holding the pacifier above her head while eating a leaf?  Probably.

Is she holding the pacifier above her head while eating a leaf? Probably.

To help the brutal process of taking away Poppy’s baba (scene every morning: “Baaabaaa goooonnnnneee…” in the most mournful sob you’ve ever heard x 1000000 until you want to stab your eyes out), we’ve decided to start a sticker chart.  I enlisted the kids’ help in making a list of what gets a sticker.  Here’s what they came up with:
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WTF?!:  Since we moved here, I’ve been keeping a list on my iPhone titled “WTF”. It’s basically a list of things that are just different enough to cause me endless anxiety, but not so different that I can just say, “How fascinating that we are being exposed to this new culture!”  I’ve come to realize some of them are totally reasonable, but others I still don’t understand.  I’ll update this list from time to time as my view develops.
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TITBC*: No PETA For This One

*“TITBC” stands for “Take it to BabyCenter,” a common insult on a mommy forum I visit. It’s used when people post cutesy, sweet stories about their kids, typically with a “Kid’s Say the Darnedest Things!” vibe.  Basically, stuff that is cute when you are parent-in-love with your squishy little cuddle bunny, but not so cute when you are a stranger who doesn’t give a shit about the kid saying it. I don’t post stuff like that there, but since this is as close as I’m getting to a baby book for these kids, I’ll be putting them here.
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If your kids want to pretend that it’s their birthday, and ask to blow out the lit votive candles on the table at dinner, be sure to remind them NOT to put their face directly over the candle and blow as hard as they can, directly into a surprisingly large pool of hot wax.  I was picking wax out of this kid’s eyebrows for like 3 days.

He looked like a day-old Cinnabun.  Or something else.

He looked like a day-old Cinnabun. Or something else.